Moments of weakness

My life is a great big joke!

I am so irritated with everything that is happening in my life now. Sometimes I wish my mother was alive so that I can leave all the house problems to her and I can move on with my life. MY LIFE...

As it is living with old people is not easy. They are ticking time bomb, anyhting might happen anytime. The amount of strength I need to keep myself in check and available for when disaster does strike in my house is just freaking unbelieveable. I am not as strong as people perceive me to be, but I have to be that strong. I have to. I have no other choice.

Go back home one big drama, at work more drama, love like even a bigger drama.

I dont know what to say really. I spend ONE YEAR of my life tending to my grandfather and grandmother. My grandma was bed ridden at that time, I brought her back to her feet. I did all the work a housewife would do, cooking, cleaning, bathing my grandma, washing the clothes, only enough for my grandfather to call me "good for nothing". He had the nerve to say I am sitting at home doing nothing just becuase I dont have a job.

Having said that, once my grandma was back on her feet I got myself a job. I have moved on with my life. WHAT ELSE DOES THESE PEOPLE WANT FROM ME??? I give them all money every month + buy marketing stuff when ever there is nothing to cook + maintaining the car + helping around in the house when I can. Of course I dont help around much becuase my working hours is so erratic. What else do they expect from me? I just dont understand it, why am I ever not good enough for them? Why am I always the bad girl?

Work. Thats another great big joke. Same thing as home only. No matter how much I do its never enough for what its worth it will never be enough. You know my team lead said to me "I feel like you are not doing any work". What do you expect me to say in this situation. Am I suppose to defend myself? You know its pointless becuase people will only beleive what they want to believe.

You wanna hear another great big joke. My love life.

1. Broke up a 4 year relationship becuase I refuse to sleep around with him.
2. Got a guy seemingly nice, all went well when he finally said to me he had brain cancer and he doesnt want to hurt me so he doesnt want to talk to me anymore. Till this day I dont know the truth of the matter.
3. Lorry driver from 7 eleven asked me out.
4. A guy came into my life, talked to me, comforted me, gave me happiness and just took it all away one day only for me to nakka tongepoderan and go behind him. But sorry la I am just not that kinda girl!!
5. 20 year old boy asked me what do I do when I am alone?
6. A guy that I am really crazy about doesnt like me.
7. A married guy asking me out.
8. The parking lot fella asking me out.

Just look at that la!! I dun understand if I look and act that cheap or I am just fated to have this. Seriously. Of course you may ask whats the big deal if those guys ask you out, you just say no la. True, obviously I am going to say no, but its the fact that they ask me that bothers me.

Oh and people complain that I game a lot and I dont know the outside world. Dude, I had enough of outside world, as you can see outside world is not really kind to me. Gaming is the only thing keeping me sane now seriously.

Sometimes I wish I owned a d'eagle so that I can just shoot myself when I have the impulse. What do I have to life for anyways?